Life, Loss, and Leaving
by looks at name tag
Summary: A darker version of the first episode of season 2. Tina goes to her former home, hoping to be there alone. She gets her wish. WARNING: Suicide
1. Chapter 1

Life, Loss, and Leaving

**Author's Note: **Okay I was watching a couple of episodes from the L Word season 2 and after watching the first episode, Life, Loss, Leaving (hence the title), I had this dark dream about what would have happened if when Tina went to Bette's house to retrieve some of her belongings, she had found Bette attempting to commit suicide? I know its pretty dark, but hey, after watching shows at four o'clock in the morning, I'm sure your dreams would be pretty crazy too. So anyway that's what this little fic is about. I don't think I need to add that this is going to be pretty much an AU piece? Please read and review.

**Rating: **Rated T for attempted suicide, some alcohol/drug abuse, and minor language.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bette, Tina, or any of the other characters of the L Word.

* * *

_What am I even doing here?_

Tina Kennard knew the answer to that question- hell, wearing Alice's pink sweater answered the question on its own- but the blonde couldn't figure out why she hadn't asked Alice or Shane or even Jenny to pick up some of her clothes for her. That idea hadn't even entered her mind until her dark eyes caught sight of the house she had once called home and as she pulled into the driveway, she saw that Bette's car was absent. This sight caused her heart to squeeze painfully and she felt her eyes slowly fill with tears, but she turned away and as soon as her eyes landed on her phone, it begun to ring.

Without even looking at the caller id, Tina fumbled to open her phone and instantly gasped the name of the one person she wanted to see more than anyone, "Bette?"

"No… Alice," Tina placed her head in her hand as she recognized her best friend's voice. Of course it would be Alice. Alice who had been nothing, but supporting since Tina and Bette separated. "Tee, are you okay?"

"No," Tina whimpered, allowing the tears she had held in for so long fall. "Al, I am definitely _not_ okay."

"Hey sweetie, it's going to be fine," Alice murmured, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No," Tina shook her head even though she knew no one could see her, "Thanks for the offer, Al, but this is something I have to do on my own. I can't hide behind you or Shane or anyone else forever."

"Is her car there?" Alice asked suddenly.

"No…"

"Are the lights on?"

"No…"

"Then she's probably not even home, Tee," Alice murmured, "I told her that you were coming over and that she shouldn't be there. To be honest, I didn't think she would listen to me."

"Al," Tina whispered suddenly. Alice was the most honest person she knew and she wanted an honest answer. No matter how much it would hurt. "Do you think Bette is with…?" Tina couldn't finish her question.

Alice was quiet for a couple seconds and then she finally answered, her words coming out slowly as though she was pondering them very carefully, "I don't think so. When we saw her that day at The Planet, I could tell that she had ended things with her. Call it a sixth sense or a lesbian sense whatever you want, but I don't think Bette would go back to her. She's working too hard to get you to even look at her again. She wouldn't want to risk that for anything."

"Hopefully, you're right, Al," Tina sighed, "Thank you. I'll call you later."

"Good luck."

And with that Tina closed her phone and opened the door of her car, taking in slow breathes. She had barely taken two steps towards the house when a voice called her name.

_Please don't let it be, Bette._

_Please don't let it be, Bette._

_Please don't let it be-_

"Tim," Tina greeted her old neighbor with a hug, pulling away after a second to stare at him, realizing how good of a friend he had once been to her, "How are you?"

"I'm good," Tim said with a nod, "I actually have been trying to get a hold of you for a couple days now, but I haven't seen you or Bette in awhile and I really didn't want to say goodbye over the phone."

"Goodbye?" Tina asked, trying not to show how hurt she was at Tim's words. She was losing _everyone_:Bette, Tim, Dana, and her unborn son. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Ohio," Tim explained, "I got a teaching job there. I'm going to miss L.A. but the pays good and I guess I just need a fresh start."

"Is Jenny going with you?" Tina asked and Tim snorted.

"No. We're not a couple anymore. She actually might be taking over the lease so you and Bette will still have her as a neighbor," Tim's words flowed freely from his mouth, not even realizing the shocked expression that had taken over Tina's face.

_He didn't know._

"And anyway I should really be starting my drive…"

"Tim…" Tina's words were soft.

"It's a five hour drive…"

"Tim…" Tina's voice grew more powerful and Tim glanced down at her, noticing for the first time that she was crying.

"Shit Tina," Tim swore softly, glancing down at Tina with concern in his eyes, "Fuck. Are you alright? What did I say?"

"It's not your fault," Tina murmured, trying to stop the tears that were flowing down her cheeks so freely, "Bette and I… Bette and I are going through a separation."

"Oh fuck," Tim swore again and Tina glanced at him. He was like a male Shane with all his swearing. "Shit, I'm sorry I didn't know. When I saw Bette earlier, she didn't say anything about it."

"Yeah," Tina murmured before looking up at Tim, "Listen, there are some things I need to take care of. Watch yourself in Ohio. They're not as friendly as everyone in L.A."

Tim snorted, "Thanks and I'm sorry again."

Tina nodded and said her last goodbye before turning away, walking towards the dark house, stopping only for a second as she unlocked the door. As she took a step into her former home, Tina allowed the breath she had been holding escape, realizing that she was on familiar territory… familiar territory without the enemy.

A loud ring suddenly entered the silent house and Tina knew instantly that it was Bette's cell. The sound was emerging from the kitchen and Tina walked over to it just as it stopped ringing. She glanced around, checking for certain that Bette wasn't home, before opening the cell, unable to stifle the feeling of surprise when she noticed all the missed calls and messages left for her ex.

Tina knew that she shouldn't…

She knew it was an invasion of Bette's privacy, but she couldn't stop herself from putting her phone to her ear as she listened to the first message:

"_Hey Boss. It's James." _There was a slight pause. _"I… I guess I can't call you that anymore though. You gone through a lot of shit while working here and there were several of times when I thought you would get your ass kicked out of here, but never in a million years did I think that you would quit. Well I just wanted to say goodbye and good luck with whatever you do. I'll probably call you later to tell you how things are falling a part without you here."_

Tina couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

Bette quit?

Her job was perhaps the most important thing to her in the world.

Nothing ever came in between her and work, not even Tina.

The second message began to play:

"_Hey. It's Shane. Call me."_

Then the third:

"_Hey. It's Alice. I just wanted to see if you were out of the house yet. I hope for your sake that you are because Tina doesn't need anymore of your shit, Bette. And just so you know, I still care for you, but I thinking about what's best for Tina. Something you should have been doing."_

Fourth:

"_Hey baby sis, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I stopped by Alice's today, but she said Tina wasn't home. I'm sorry."_

Kit had stopped by?

Tina had no time to ponder this because the fifth message began to play and a very angry woman came on:

"_Hey bitch, I just wanted to call you to say fuck you. I thought we had something real, but I guess I was wrong. You know won't I find so fucking hilarious? How you are acting like the innocent bystander when you came onto me! I gave you chances to stop me if we went too far, but you never took them. Did you tell that to the fucking love of your life? Did you tell her how good it felt when we fucked? Did you tell her that you gasped my name and not her's? Fuck you, Bette. Fuck you."_

Tina grasped the table as she heard Candace's voice, allowing the tears to fall once more. She couldn't help it.

"_Bette! Fuck. It's Dana. Are you alright? Tonya and I are nearby… do you want us to come over? Please, please call me back."_

"_What the fuck was that message about, Bette? And why aren't you answering your fucking phone? I just had Dana calling me saying that you left her the same fucking message. Fuck this. I'm coming over."_

What was the message that Bette had left Shane and Dana?

"_Hey Bette. It's Jenny. I remember Tim saying that you were staying in, but your house looks pretty dark. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. So yeah… bye."_

"_Hey again. I just got off the phone with Tina and she said you aren't home and I just wanted to say… thanks. I didn't think you were going to listen to me, but you did. Thanks, but one more thing. If you are at that fucking carpenter's house, I'll deck you and her. I love you, but honestly, Bette."_

Tina shook her head slightly at Alice's words. There was no one else like her.

"_Hey. It's Tim. Tina just told me about you two and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. You two were great together. I hope that if I ever come back to L.A. I'll be able to see you two laughing together again. Bye Bette."_

"End of messages."

Tina closed the phone and sighed, not sure what to feel after hearing all those messages… messages from friends who cared about them: Shane… Alice… Kit… Dana… Jenny… Tim. So many lives were affected by their breakup… some many people were hurt.

Tina sighed again and stood up, placing the phone back down and walking towards the bedroom, glancing ever so slightly at their living room, practically freezing when she realized she wasn't alone.

Bette was curled up in a ball, a blanket wrapped around her tightly and bottles of beer dumped across the floor. Tina sighed and walked towards Bette, staring down at her.

"Bette…" She whispered and she turned around, her eyes catching sight of an empty pill bottle on the table.

_Holy shit._

"Bette," Tina instantly dropped down so that she was in front of her ex-wife, "Bette… honey… baby, please wake up! Bette!" Tina wailed, unable to stop the tears from falling.

At that moment, the door opened and Shane, Dana, Tonya, Kit, and Jenny stormed in, their eyes wide as they took in the sight of Tina sitting in front of Bette, shaking the other woman wildly.

"Fuck," Shane cried, "Dana, call the fucking police." When Dana stood there in shock, Shane whirled around and shoved the other woman towards the phone, "Call the fucking police, Dana!"

"Don't fucking touch her like that. Calm down!" Tonya snapped at Shane while Kit moved quickly towards Tina and Bette, tears flowing down her face as she stared at her baby sister.

"Are you fucking insane?" Shane shouted, "Our best friend might be fucking dying and you are telling me to fucking calm down?" Shane stormed away from Tonya and bent down next to Tina and Kit, hitting Bette roughly, "Bette! Come on! It's time to fucking wake up! Bette!" And for the first time that Tina had known her, Shane cried.

Tina turned away from Shane and stared at Bette, feeling detached from her body as she stared at her best friend… the only woman she had ever loved.

"She's not breathing!" Jenny suddenly shouted from her position behind Kit.

"Fuck!" Shane cried.

"The police are coming," Dana murmured softly, tears falling down her face, but no one paid any attention to her.

"I can't get a heartbeat!" Kit cried wildly.

"Fuck!" Shane shouted again, the only word that she seemed to know at the given moment.

"Guys, she can't be… she can't be…"

Tina felt her head hit the floor and everything suddenly went dark.

_To be continued…_

* * *

**Author's Note: **Wow. That's the first time, I ever really wrote something depressing. So please tell me what you thought and be honest. I love good reviews, but I enjoy critiques that improve my writing. –Jordyn


	2. Chapter 2

Life, Loss, and Leaving

**Author's Note: **Part two of Life, Loss, and Leaving. Please read and review.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bette, Tina, or any other character of the L Word.

* * *

She faded in and out of consciousness, dreams and nightmares alike plaguing her as she slept. Most of the dreams were memories of her childhood and the events that led to where she was now: meeting Bette, having the miscarriage, Bette cheating on her. Every event led to her heartbreak and as she felt sleep's comforting arms wrap themselves around her, everything went black once more.

* * *

"Tina," The blonde heard someone call her name, followed by another person adding,

"Al, you should really let her sleep. The doctors said that's what would help her the most."

"But she's been asleep for like twelve hours, Dana," Alice grumbled, "I haven't slept that long since I was sixteen."

"She's been having a hard couple of weeks, Al," Dana murmured, her voice soft. "Sleeping this long is probably a positive sign. You told me yourself that she hadn't slept a full night since she moved in."

"She slept… I always just heard her whimpering at night," Alice sighed, "I wish there was something we could do to help her."

"She's strong, Al, she'll pull through," A door opened and Dana murmured, "Hey Shane."

"Hey," Shane's husky voice was tired and the mother hen in Tina wondered how long it had been since her friend slept. "How is she doing?" Dana murmured something that Tina missed. "That's good, right? Sleep is good." Shane sighed. "I've been trying to get Bette to go back to sleep for the past half an hour. She says she won't close her eyes until she sees Tina."

"I think that's the last thing Tina needs," Alice murmured, "I think that's the last thing either of them need. I think they both need time and space. That's probably going to help them the most."

"What about the baby?" Dana asked and Tina felt her body tense up. They knew?

"What baby?" Well Shane apparently didn't know. "What are you guys talking about?"

"The doctor says Tina's pregnant," Dana explained and there was a pause until Shane murmured,

"Is it Bette's?"

There was another moment of silence until Dana asked, "Who else's would it be?"

An awkward pause settled over the group until Shane murmured, "I'm going to see if Jenny is awake yet."

Alice and Dana murmured goodbye and when the door closed again, Tina decided it was time for them to know she was awake. "What happened to Jenny?"

Alice jumped.

Dana almost screamed.

"Shit, Tee, you've been awake this entire time?" Alice asked as Dana tried to calm her racing heart. "You could have said something."

"I was much more interested in your conversation;" Tina smiled weakly, pushing herself up and casting a glance around the room before repeating, "What happened to Jenny?"

"Same thing that happened to you," Dana explained, "You both blacked out last night."

Suddenly memories came rushing back to Tina and she glanced wildly at her two closest friends, "Shit. Is Bette alright? What happened last night? Did she really try and…" Tina couldn't finish her sentence.

"Calm down before we have to get the doctors to sedate you," Alice sighed before explaining, "Bette's alright. She took too many sleeping pills last night and… well I think had you not been there, Bette wouldn't be with us today."

"Bette tried to kill herself," Tina whispered. It wasn't a question, but a statement. "Can I see her?"

Alice and Dana exchanged a look, "Maybe later, Tee. You both are under a lot of stress right and I think it would do you both good to at least to wait a couple of hours until you see each other."

Tina shook her head, "No. I have to see her now." Tina got out of the bed, instantly feeling lightheaded as her bare feet touched the cold floor. "Damn. How long did you say I was out?"

"Twelve hours," Alice explained while Dana moved forward and helped Tina to the door. It was then that Tina noticed something on her friend's neck and she smirked slightly.

"Nice hickey," Dana's eyes widened. "I didn't think Tonya would want to have any marks on her fiancé."

"Yeah…" Dana murmured, exchanging a glance with Alice, "Um, here let me help you to Bette's room." Tina knew after that comment, Dana was trying to close the conversation.

The three of them walked- Tina slower than normal- down the hall, pausing outside another room where Shane led Jenny out of the white prison. They all stopped and stared at each other, small smiles dancing on all their lips.

"Hey Jenny," Tina said weakly, staring at the newest addition to their lesbian group, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm great," Jenny grinned, but her dark eyes suddenly turned serious, "How are _you_ feeling?"

"Good," Tina shrugged and Jenny smirked as though she didn't believe her, but she knew better than to ask.

"Going to see Bette?" Shane asked and Tina nodded, "Mind if I join you? I want to say goodbye before I'm off."

"Off?" Jenny asked, turning to stare at her friend, "Where are you going?"

"You know," Shane explained, a playful smirk on her face, but in her dark eyes she showed what she was really feeling, "I've got places to go and people to see. Plus I'm trying to get all my crap out of my place before I get evicted."

"You're getting evicted?" Tina asked, eyes widening. Why hadn't Shane told her?

"Um yeah," Shane shrugged, "I didn't want to unload my own shit on you when" Shane gestured down the hall where Tina assumed Bette's room was. "You have your own life going on."

"Well you're always welcome to stay with me, Shane," Jenny grinned, "It's going to be lonely with Tim leaving and everything." There was no denying the sadness in her tone as Jenny spoke of her ex-husband.

"You know, Jen, I might actually take you up on that," Shane smirked, "Now should we proceed? The hallway of a hospital isn't always the best place to have a conversation."

The group nodded and the five of them headed towards Bette's room where the dark-haired woman was talking to her sister, whispering frantically, but the two of them were silenced as everyone walked into the room. Bette's eyes were locked with Tina's and their friends' stares went back and forth between the two of them, wondering if another fight was about to occur.

The silence continued for a couple of moments until Alice sighed, frustrated, "Will you two just say something to each other?"

All eyes turned to Alice who blushed while Dana shook her head, "Couldn't keep quiet, could you?"

"Listen I'm sorry, but," Alice turned to look at Bette and Tina, giving them both hard glances, "It's okay if you guys don't love each other anymore. Hell you don't have to even like each other, but don't make it this hard for all of us. We still want to be both of your friends, but that's not going to work if we're going to hang out in silence forever."

"And I think that's our cue to leave," Jenny murmured gently, putting a hand on Shane's arm, "Do you want to go to your place? I can help you move everything back to my house."

"Yeah and I should really be getting back to Tonya," Dana explained, glancing quickly at Alice who had a hurt expression on her face.

They all said their goodbyes until only Bette, Tina, Alice, and Kit were together, sitting in silence once more. Tina was looking down at the floor while Bette was staring at her ex-lover, Alice and Kit exchanging glances as they sat quietly.

"Well I better get going," Kit sighed, "I have some work to do over at the Planet. Alice, why don't you come with me?" The hard glare that Kit gave the blonde showed that she didn't have a choice.

"But I…" Alice sighed, "Fine. Bye, you two." Alice pecked Tina on the cheek and gave Bette a small hug that lasted no more than a second. Then Bette and Tina were alone with nothing, but silence surrounding them.

The silence continued for several minutes until Tina was about to suggest that she leave when Bette finally spoke, her voice weak and nervous, "So… you're pregnant?"

Tina stared at Bette for the first time and whispered, "How do you know?"

"Alice told Kit who told me," Bette explained.

"Of course it was Alice," Tina rolled her eyes at how her best friend couldn't keep a secret and Bette gave her a small, hesitant smile. Tina paused for a moment before asking, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. A bit annoyed. The doctors seem to think I need to see someone. Apparently I'm a danger to myself."

"Bette, you tried to kill yourself," Tina snapped gently, unable to stop caring for the woman who sat near her, "Of course you need to see someone. That can't ever happen again." Tina paused, "Why did you do it?"

Bette raised an eyebrow, "I thought that was fairly obvious, Tee. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I never stopped loving you. I… I don't remember how to live without you."

"Bette…" Tina sighed.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. I don't deserve it," Bette murmured.

"Bette," Tina repeated, walking over so that she was standing alongside Bette's bed. She took her ex-lover's hand in her own and placed it on her stomach, "We're going to have a baby together. I… I still want you in my life."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bette whispered, keeping her hand on Tina's stomach, "I…" She wanted to say that she wouldn't have jeopardized their relationship, but somehow that didn't seem like the right thing to say. They never had a problem saying anything to each other before the whole Candace thing. That one mistake had affected their whole relationship.

"I didn't know how you would handle it," Tina murmured, "After the first miscarriage; I didn't want to tell you until I knew she was going to be okay. I didn't want you to hurt anymore."

"It's a girl?" Bette whispered and Tina nodded. They stood their in silence, staring at each other, "Do you want me to help out in anyway? The money in our savings account is still open for you to use. You can use as much as you want to take care of yourself… of both of you." Tina looked like she was going to protest so Bette added, "Please Tee. I don't need it."

Tina shook her head, "It doesn't feel right… I mean, we aren't together anymore." Tina instantly wanted to take back her words at their hurt expression on Bette's face. It was the first time either of them had said that they weren't a couple together. "Bette," Tina sighed, "I still want you in my life, but I… I want to be just friends for now. Maybe later… we could start over."

The hurt somewhat left Bette's face, but it was still there. "I'd like that."

Tina smiled and leaned forward, brushing her lips against Bette's cheek. The two of them stared at each other for a moment before leaning forward, kissing each other softly.

Bette tried to tell Tina that she was sorry in that kiss.

Tina tried to tell Bette that she still loved her in that kiss.

Outside the room, three lesbians, a bisexual, and a straight woman with some interesting friends exchanged glances, grins on all of their faces as they heard what was going on with their two best friends.

"I don't believe it," Alice whispered.

"Does this mean they are getting back together?" Jenny asked, looking up at Shane who shrugged.

"I think it does," Dana whispered excitedly.

"I don't know," Shane murmured, "They care for each other greatly, but… what?" She added as Alice turned to stare at her, an eyebrow raised. She turned to look at everyone who was staring at her, "What?"

"Its odd hearing you give relationship," Alice teased, "Aren't you the bang them and leave them girl?"

"Hey I may not be good at love, but that doesn't mean I don't see it," Shane snapped, "And the two of them have love."

"I hope you're right, Shane," Alice sighed.

"Now come on, let's leave them alone," Kit said softly, gesturing towards them to leave just as the door to Bette's room opened, revealing the two women they had been gossiping about.

Bette raised an eyebrow while Tina asked, "Were you guys spying on us?"

"No," Alice said quickly just as Dana murmured, "Yes."

Everyone turned to stare at the renowned gay tennis player who shrugged, "What?"

"You can't just lie, can you?" Alice sighed.

Dana's cheeks flushed and instantly shot back another remark to the blonde while Tina tried to get the two of them to stop acting like children, Bette smirking slightly as she watched the scene. Jenny stared at them, unable to believe her new friends, while Shane put an arm around her new roommate's shoulder, grinning as she stared between Bette and Tina and Dana and Alice. Kit merely shook her head, smiling. Her friends were fucked up.

Luckily, that's just how she liked them.


End file.
